Mayank Shekhar's Review: Jaane Kahan Se Aayi Hai


By Hindustan Times

Film: Jaane Kahan Se Aayi Hai
Director: Milpa Zaveri
Actors: Riteish Deshmukh, Jacqueline Fernandes
Rating: *

Andheri-tis is an affliction quite prevalent in the northern suburbs of Mumbai. This is the tiny portion of India that perhaps produces the most number of films in the world.

Everyone here essentially talks in movie references; probably even think in filmy scenes, and dialogue. People here, for instance, will even tell you stories from their day, interspersed with a “cut to”: “So I woke up in the morning. Cut to. I get to work. Cut to. I sip on coffee. Cut to…!” Mutual friends usually work in films as well. A common belief among them is that Bollywood is the globe itself.

This is probably why those suffering from this chronic ailment, often set their own movies, in the film world itself. Better that way: present what you know (than something you don’t), I guess. This flick is one such specimen.

Background score is a medley of old Bollywood tracks. The hero and his friend are flunkies in a film crew. Walls of the leading man’s room bear posters of Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenga et al. His hot love-interest is another movie set sidey. A peripheral plot involves choreographer-director Farah Khan making peace with Shah Rukh, her hero she’s fallen out with. The leading man of the film, within this film, is an overnight star. Sajid Khan, Akshay Kumar, Karan Johar, Priyanka Chopra, Sajid Khan… make cameo appearances and comments on him.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai ballroom dance takes place over one song; everybody breaks into a Bhangra – the Soniye, Mahivay kinds – on the other. The "sad song" plays when the parting couple drives together; the fancy car's lit from the inside.

Warner bros. (American producers of this film), or Darshan bros. (desi producers from back in the day), it doesn't matter. It’s just sweetly revealing to watch anyone set themselves up for such a flake, fake, forced version of mainstream-proper, regardless.

Somewhere you forget, or not that it should matter, this movie’s about a beautiful alien who lands up on Earth, looking for a man to take home to Venus. This alien, given she’s a foreigner, of course, speaks in an accented Hindi!

Her host, and his friend, at toddling age 24, dodge their dad, jumping excitedly wide-eyed, to watch porn films together! This hero (Riteish Deshmukh) is a sexually frustrated virgin son of a fat old perverted father (Satish Shah).

It’s astounding how many scenes short can a movie this long be. The hero and the alien suddenly are in love. And you know how that love will show.

This is where couples captured in slow motion, make convolutedly endless, banal monologue, in mushy, hushed voices: Kehte hain jab aapko koi pyar karta hai, toh uskon bahon mein lete hi, uske dhadkanon mein apna naam sunai deta hai (Grrrr… Bleh: that was the translation, by the way)”

Cut to… You feel like a bit of an alien, sitting alone in that audience.